I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
