I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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