Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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