Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
We smell like vodka and hangover
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