hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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