Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Come see our sink grown plant.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
