Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize