My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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