If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
