Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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