Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
