my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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