FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
