Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
