Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
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Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
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We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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