I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
