i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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