Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
