her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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