I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
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I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
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Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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