sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
