In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
