I am midnight drunk by noon
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
