Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
