this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
