I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
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I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
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After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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