Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
