i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
