Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Randomize
