Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
