she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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