i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
