I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
