I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
