So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
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what is it with giant penises always finding me
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
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Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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