Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
