Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
