Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
