I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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