remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
