He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
