I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Success! We fucked roommates!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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