I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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