just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
