I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
