i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
