I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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