Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
