you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
