I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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