hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
