remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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