the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
