Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
