oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
