I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
