My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
