i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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