DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
