my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
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You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
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Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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