Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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