either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
